My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Randomize
