How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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