meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
