coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
party gras won. party gras always wins.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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