You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
