it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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