I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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