I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
