just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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