It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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