i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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