who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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