I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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