you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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