i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
just found out that she named her cat after me.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
