So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
