i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
