highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
