I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I just cut my nipple shaving
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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