When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Randomize
