Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
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