I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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