if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
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