I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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