Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize