Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude ur right that IS what a vagina looks like!
Do everybody a favor and GET LAID MORE.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
