it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
