I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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