my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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