This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Boobs speak an international language.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
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