Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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