I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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