fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Drake has all the answers
True strength comes from lack of pants
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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