I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
