Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
be right there i have to get my cape
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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