the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
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