Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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