some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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