By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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