Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
