I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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