Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
