The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
