I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
