Plan B is the new Plan A
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
