Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
