All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Screwed.edu
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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