I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize