i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
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