how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
