When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
