I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
