So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
