i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
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