I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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