apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
