i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
