i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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