So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
