I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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