I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
