Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
