this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
