just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
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