Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
I'm passing your future prison.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
