You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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