got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
