mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Randomize
