Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
